When Is Frustration a Good Thing?

"Dr. Matthews, I keep arguing with my parents, but they just won't listen! What should I do?"

Casting a thoughtful look at my client, I reply, "I'm curious. If arguing with your parents isn't getting you what you want, what makes you keep arguing?"

While my question seems sensible, asking this type of question provokes a frustration that tempts clients to toss pillows in my direction!

The frustration they feel is largely due to years (perhaps decades) of asking themselves similar questions without having the skill to problem-solve a productive answer.

I assure you, I am not a Machiavellian!  I don’t ask the question because I enjoy frustrating my clients. I ask the question because I am confident in their ability to learn the skills that

Move Them in the Direction

They Want to Go

I use frustration as my ally in teaching people how to

Conduct a Thorough Self-Evaluation

What makes Self-Evaluation the cornerstone of my work?  The explanation lies in the wisdom of Dr. Seuss:

You have brains in your head

You have feet in your shoes

You can steer yourself in

Any direction you choose...

...You know what you know

And you are the one who'll

Decide where to go!

I believe we possess the capacity to problem-solve our lives, but doing so requires critical thought.

Self-Evaluation Questions provoke critical thought because they encourage clients to look inward for the answers rather than depend on my expertise to steer them towards the life they want.

Frustrating? Yes, but remember — my want is to move people in the direction they want to go.  NOT in the direction I think they should go. Achieving my want entails teaching people to 

Value The Expertise They Have
About  Themselves

Self-Evaluation Questions challenge us to analyze our thoughts and to:

• Speculate on their meaning
• Identify their origin
• Focus on their value  

Self-Evaluation Questions help us to clarify our thoughts. How? By facilitating the critical thinking required to gain awareness.

Awareness Lifts the Veil of Confusion &

 Facilitates a More Informed Choice

If  Self-Evaluation is such a powerful catalyst for change, what makes Self-Evaluation so frustrating?

Self-Evaluation requires courage — courage to examine our thoughts, feelings and behaviors in ways that suspend judgment long enough to tap into our core beliefs.

But, as Dr. Seuss observes...

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

I coined the Tolerate Skill as a way to boost your courage to Self-Evaluate.

When you feel (think) the disquieting effects provoked by a Self-Evaluation Question:

• Acknowledge the discomfort

• Suspend Judgment on it's meaning

• Challenge yourself to tolerate the feeling long enough to 

Play With the Answer

Why do I advocate playing? Because the exhilaration gained from taking the Self-Evaluation risk is analogous to scoring the winning points in any competitive game you play— including the game of life!

Would you like to learn the five Self-Evaluation Questions we CT/RT types often use in our work and in our personal lives?

1. What do you want?
2. What are you doing?
3. How is what you're doing getting you what you want?
4. What other options might you consider?
5. Would you like to make a plan?

Are you ready for another challenge? (Gee, might this be a sixth S-E ?)


Identify the Self- Evaluation Questions contained in this post and evaluate how the frustration they provoke facilitates critical thinking.

Decide for yourself...

Has my challenge yielded any new insights regarding the question: “When is frustration a good thing?”

Once you’ve conducted your own Self-Evaluation, I’d like to you to comment on your reaction (but please, no pillow-throwing).