When Is Frustration a Good Thing?

"Dr. Matthews, I keep arguing with my parents, but they just won't listen! What should I do?"

Casting a thoughtful look at my client, I reply, "I'm curious. If arguing with your parents isn't getting you what you want, what makes you keep arguing?"

While my question seems sensible, asking this type of question provokes a frustration that tempts clients to toss pillows in my direction!

The frustration they feel is largely due to years (perhaps decades) of asking themselves similar questions without having the skill to problem-solve a productive answer.

I assure you, I am not a Machiavellian!  I don’t ask the question because I enjoy frustrating my clients. I ask the question because I am confident in their ability to learn the skills that

Move Them in the Direction

They Want to Go

I use frustration as my ally in teaching people how to

Conduct a Thorough Self-Evaluation

What makes Self-Evaluation the cornerstone of my work?  The explanation lies in the wisdom of Dr. Seuss:

You have brains in your head

You have feet in your shoes

You can steer yourself in

Any direction you choose...

...You know what you know

And you are the one who'll

Decide where to go!

I believe we possess the capacity to problem-solve our lives, but doing so requires critical thought.

Self-Evaluation Questions provoke critical thought because they encourage clients to look inward for the answers rather than depend on my expertise to steer them towards the life they want.

Frustrating? Yes, but remember — my want is to move people in the direction they want to go.  NOT in the direction I think they should go. Achieving my want entails teaching people to 

Value The Expertise They Have
About  Themselves

Self-Evaluation Questions challenge us to analyze our thoughts and to:

• Speculate on their meaning
• Identify their origin
• Focus on their value  

Self-Evaluation Questions help us to clarify our thoughts. How? By facilitating the critical thinking required to gain awareness.

Awareness Lifts the Veil of Confusion &

 Facilitates a More Informed Choice

If  Self-Evaluation is such a powerful catalyst for change, what makes Self-Evaluation so frustrating?

Self-Evaluation requires courage — courage to examine our thoughts, feelings and behaviors in ways that suspend judgment long enough to tap into our core beliefs.

But, as Dr. Seuss observes...

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

I coined the Tolerate Skill as a way to boost your courage to Self-Evaluate.

When you feel (think) the disquieting effects provoked by a Self-Evaluation Question:

• Acknowledge the discomfort

• Suspend Judgment on it's meaning

• Challenge yourself to tolerate the feeling long enough to 

Play With the Answer

Why do I advocate playing? Because the exhilaration gained from taking the Self-Evaluation risk is analogous to scoring the winning points in any competitive game you play— including the game of life!

Would you like to learn the five Self-Evaluation Questions we CT/RT types often use in our work and in our personal lives?

1. What do you want?
2. What are you doing?
3. How is what you're doing getting you what you want?
4. What other options might you consider?
5. Would you like to make a plan?

Are you ready for another challenge? (Gee, might this be a sixth S-E ?)


Identify the Self- Evaluation Questions contained in this post and evaluate how the frustration they provoke facilitates critical thinking.

Decide for yourself...

Has my challenge yielded any new insights regarding the question: “When is frustration a good thing?”

Once you’ve conducted your own Self-Evaluation, I’d like to you to comment on your reaction (but please, no pillow-throwing).

Walking My Walk

Thanks to the several hundred who have already previewed my blog. I see the interest growing and that's what motivates me to keep on "walking my walk."


I just uploaded the details of my book onto http://www.goodreads.com/ and wrote something in the author profile that I would like to share because I think it (like the Rhett Palmer interviews http://drluciamatthews.blogspot.com/p/media-appearances.html) offers more insight into why my psychology colleagues consider me quirky!


I often say that I've had three lives...

1. I graduated from Georgia Tech and worked as a logistics engineer for companies like GM & IBM.
2. I became a stay-at-home mom after my husband and I adopted our son from Korea. During that time, I went back to school and received my PhD in psychology.
3. I am currently in private practice teaching clients the skills I write about in my book.

OH!!! I guess that means I am on my FOURTH life because I am now a published author  :-)


The point of my post? You absolutely CAN HAVE IT ALL...just not all at the same time. 


I hope you stay in touch because the next part of my walk is to teach you  how to make the wise choices that will get you the life (or lives) that you want. 

Don’t Confuse Managing Stress with Managing Emotions

Confusing stress and emotions is one of the most common reasons that clients seek my services. As a result, a vital aspect of the work I do is to clarify the difference between managing stress and managing emotions, and to show clients how confusing the two leads to unproductive behaviors.

What makes clarifying the difference between managing stress and managing emotions so important?

Understanding the difference is the key to

Personal Empowerment

Stress is a tangible thing that exists in the real world while emotions reside within us and are a subjective response to stress. When people are unable to differentiate between stress and emotions, they are confusing a cause with an effect.

While the stressful obstacles that we encounter in life may be the cause of our distress, the obstacles we create by expressing our emotions with unproductive behaviors are what affect our ability to achieve our goals.

When we are unable to identify the effect of stress on our emotions, the consequent behaviors go unrecognized and often become habituated, despite their ineffectiveness. The subsequent sense of frustration and helplessness is what often brings clients to my couch.

As a therapist, I shine a light on this cause and effect relationship in a way that helps people find more productive ways to express their emotions. While changing habituated behavior can be difficult, many of my clients will attest that the rewards that come from doing the hard work are empowering and often life altering.

I want to instill in you the same sense of empowerment that I instill in my clients. My want is the driving force behind my role as a therapist, my work as an author, and the creation of this blog. Helping others to feel less overwhelmed and more successful is my....

My intent is to share with you the same skills I teach my clients and detail in my book. Each skill is designed to manage stress by managing emotions. As with any skill, the more you practice, the more proficient you will become in managing stress.

Future posts will focus on a particular skill and how you can use it to stop acting emotionally and start behaving wisely; but right now, I’d like to lay the foundation that will maximize the benefits derived from using my skills.

Thoughts vs. Feelings

In recent days, I've heard sportscasters ask basketball and hockey fans if they "feel like" their team is going to win. I want to shout, "You're asking them about their thoughts, not their feelings!"

So many of us use the words interchangeably, when the difference is actually quite profound.

Our thoughts impact our feelings

This implies that all feelings are the result of what we think about a situation. Sports fans who think their team will win, feel confident. Those who don't think their team has a snowball's chance in hell, feel deflated.

This week's objective is to become mindful of the difference between a thought and a feeling. Notice how people substitute the word feel for the word think. Count the number of  times friends, family, television personalities, etc. say “I feel like…” to express a thought; when what they mean to say is “I think…”

If you want to become even more mindful, try this:

When you hear someone say, “I feel like…,” respond with, “No, that’s what you think and when you think that, how do you feel?” I guarantee the answer will elicit some surprising reactions!

This exercise might seem simple, but I cannot overstate its value. The more mindful you become of the difference between thoughts and feelings, the more conscious you’ll be of how your thoughts impact your feelings.

The benefits derived from differentiating thoughts from feelings are the keystone for increased Empowerment and Success

I thank you for making me a part of your trek to a better life and look forward to reading your thoughts and feelings in the comments section.